spirit has no shame

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spirit has no shame

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i'm having the world of a lifetime.

	love sound	\|	last.fm
	love photos	\|	flickr baby
	love giggles	\|	gets galore

(no subject)	[May. 20th, 2010\|02:18 pm]
my mom died on sunday. we're spreading her ashes on the water at her sister's house tomorrow. i really loved my mom. our relationship was not what we wanted it to be, though, and i have so many regrets. i wish that i had been there for her more. and i wish she had been happier with herself. i wish that she understood just how i loved her, how close she was always in my heart, but i don't think she ever really did. it's sad to say that, and only part of me really believes it. i hope that i find peace with this eventually. sadness is just so strong sometimes. everything is everything.
Link	10 let go\|give

(no subject)	[Apr. 2nd, 2010\|10:05 pm]
i woke up from an hour-long nap after work still feeling grumpy. sometimes, the end of the week injects me with new energy, and sometimes it just leaves me exhausted. but i had some tea and watched videos on stylelikeu, which led me to discover a dress with the word zero zippered across the front, which led me to think about my love and how special he is to me. this happened while i was listening to the xx, and the feelings just kept piling on. i walked out into the living room, and icarus was curled up in the tiny chair, half-asleep. i put my arms around him, and he looked like the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen, and i just started to cry. i had to go to the bathroom so i could privately sob, and that's what i did. i felt crazy, because i wasn't sad about anything. i was just feeling so much, especially in love, and i think maybe i was just tired enough to let it all take me over. i even started laughing at one point. it was so intense and so good.
Link	give

(no subject)	[Mar. 18th, 2010\|09:50 pm]
hi livejournal! though i mostly use other spots for internet sharing (here especially) and my paper diary for deep personal thoughts, i'll always love you. my boss took me out for breakfast this morning to talk about the babies, etc., and she was so supportive of everything i said, and i told her how grateful i am for the job and for her care. it was really lovely. it makes a huge difference to have such positive feedback and recognition for doing something important and difficult, especially when it's not my dream. it was definitely something i needed. the babies and i spent a good part of the day in the park enjoying the beautiful weather after nearly months indoors. afterwards, i met justin, sam, and icarus at a dog-friendly bar nearby. i have a headache now, but i am happy. zero and i have matching fender hot rod deluxe tube amps, and we've been playing together almost every day. we had three entire days alone in the apartment while justin&icky and nicole took trips out of town, and it was the greatest, comfiest, most fun. lettin it all hang out. and there's awesome exciting news in my family that i'll share as soon as i can!! the future is uncertain but becoming clearer. and i am so lucky to have the most amazing constants throughout it all.
Link	3 let go\|give

(no subject)	[Jan. 29th, 2010\|11:30 pm]
2010 is so bangin, y'all. i'm aiming to not compare these days, but i've gotta say it's already a billion times better than 2009. january has been so busy, taking care of business every day. working full time with the babies and heading in some new directions, hosting visitors, and even going out to dance a couple of times, which i have missed insanely so. seriously, i'm in new york, there has to be a perfect dance night somewhere, please! i'm really pumped on my new endeavors, and i'm even more pumped about the three-week vacation that starts now! well, i have to work on monday, but it's just a little blip on the vacation radar- i started the party tonight! by spring cleaning my bedroom. in the first week of the new year, i played my songs live for alan, something i've never done for anyone before! it was awesome. nicole has been meditating, and she's so beautiful. zero is beautiful. justin is beautiful. icarus is the shit. i love my crew. marcus came to brooklyn to visit and to see avatar in imax 3d with us, and i want to be a na'vi warrior. i'm looking within, and i like what i'm seeing, even the darkness. i want to use symbols to help me connect with deep and important aspects of myself. it's so easy to live on the surface, but i live for those who want to get down and dirty. it makes the moments we feel fresh so honest and real. i love the surface. it is beautiful in its way. but there is just so much more, and i want to dive down sometimes. we can always come back up for air.
Link	give

for real.	[Jan. 2nd, 2010\|01:57 pm]
i'm stoked on 2010. 2009 got off to a very rough start. it was a dark, intense, and very tumultuous time. i felt like a warrior, though, and i am so proud of myself for how i handled every terrible situation. i am also grateful to those people who supported me and fought with me. i was very displaced until about june, when icarus joined the family in brooklyn, jenny and reagan visited, and i finally found a paying job. just a couple months later, we moved into a bigger apartment in a cute part of bushwick. kyler moved in with us, and alison moved to brooklyn, too. i've been dealing with a lot of health issues since then, but i'm coming round that bend. and i've been having some real moments of introspection. it's always surprising to keep discovering more about myself, to keep changing, especially since sometimes things seem to feel completely stagnant. the people around me keep surprising me too, mostly in good ways. i feel closer to my bff than ever, and this is the best time i've ever had living with her, so third time's the charm. i'm more realistic about my optimism than ever before, too, and that's a beautiful thing. i have a tendency to romanticize everything, and then i get disappointed easily. but this year, realness is romantic. time to re-read william gibson. ( in photos )
Link	3 let go\|give

little things in a big way	[Dec. 20th, 2009\|12:42 pm]
i am happy. i ventured out into the blizzard world late last night, and i only made it two blocks before turning back to the warm glow of my home. i recorded an unintentionally bluesy song about my mom and the devil. daniel is here visiting since wednesday and until tomorrow. just the sight of him inspires joy in me and reminds me how lucky i am to have found the best of friends when i was only a teenager. i'm at peace with kyler and alison's distance and losing kyler as a flatmate, to the point of finding the good in it- bonus! hoping to get my nose pierced before christmas along with a multitude of to-dos, which include an endoscopy the day before christmas eve. is it possible that a distaste for people's self-absorption led to my dyspepsia? no, it's probably all the coffee and cheese, my two favorite things that i can no longer consume in mass quantities. finally saw "it might get loud" and fell in love with jimmy page like i never thought possible. he's the cutest and most beautiful old man. looking forward to being with all my brothers, mom, nieces, sisters-in-law, best friend, and the love of my life on christmas eve and day. plus this jewel- the only subject keeping it so unbelievably real that he consistently inspires me to capture him on camera: i could learn a thing or two. but life right now is spot on.
Link	give

it's about time	[Dec. 17th, 2009\|02:58 am]
what i've failed to realize until today is that i've been trying to connect with everyone and everything around me while i've been disconnected from my Self. that's impossible! in the past years, i've made so many mistakes and been dealt many bad hands, and i've built defenses around myself as a result. meanwhile, i've been searching frantically for my path, my ever-elusive path, unwittingly chasing my own tail in circles, and thinking that in articulating my opinions about others i was somehow learning about my Self in the process. but the reason i am making such a strong distinction between myself and my Self is that i can certainly learn some shallow things about myself and human beings and all their quirks in my studies and searching, but to really learn about my Self, i can only look within and trust what i find there. and i know what great cheese this is, but the realization resonated so deeply in me that i knew instantly- it's the key i've been missing for so long. i long for the moments in my life when i was most connected to my Self. i was vulnerable and open, and in being so, i was confident and bold. i followed my instincts, and i made mistakes, but i kept moving forward, because my soul was so open wide. i was connected to all the pains of my life and to all of the bliss. but it's so easy to get caught up in the day to day and the details of living that the rapture of living can be forgotten. (i love music so much because it's immediately so all-encompassing that i forget the bully-ego of myself and instead experience my true Self.) i've been so sad lately, and i've been very hurt by many people in my life in the past few years, and i have hurt others, in big ways and small ways, but it all leaves an impact. i've had to be very strong at times, and in some of those times, i could not truly connect with my Self, because i had to think of others so completely. it's important now that things are better to reconnect with my Self by taking off that armor. i want to tear down all my defenses. i want to be completely honest with you about everything, about my sadness and my hopes and everything that makes me really beautiful. i want to feel like my Self again. i want to feel the rapture of being alive.
Link	7 let go\|give

(no subject)	[Dec. 6th, 2009\|12:14 pm]
what a strange, emotional week it's been. the stress of it all caught up with me yesterday, and my body told me a tale. but thanks to rest, water, tea, and vitamins, i'm feeling okay today so far. i'm in the midst of working full time with the babies for three weeks. it's to make up for days i missed before thanksgiving and days i'll miss around christmas. so it's good that it's happening, but it's very exhausting. they're both crawling now, and they're both very vocal, and it's very intense. it's especially hard for me to separate myself from it, so i end up feeling their emotions, and it's incredibly stressful. it's led me to be really hard on myself all week- for not having more patience and calm and for being so passive about the direction of my life. i make choices, but i also let a lot of things happen, probably even more so. anyway, i've been contemplating some things, and it's been intense, and the stress of it is causing me real physical distress. it's making me feel very disconnected from almost everyone in my life, too, which is sad. but yesterday was very relaxing. i finished making the dvd of mine and zero's cross country trip, which i started back in portland, so i feel really happy to have finally completed it. we watched some of it this morning before he had to go to work. and i recorded two more songs, which always feels amazing. icarus was super cuddly the entire time we were alone together. justin, nicole, and zero got home early enough to hang out before we all went to sleep. we ate pizza and watched house. i just wish my path would be more clear to me.
Link	give

(no subject)	[Nov. 29th, 2009\|03:27 pm]
i remember coming to a friend's house to meet you, and you ran to me and asked if i was real. i don't like this part of getting older. is there any part i really like? well, yes, i do like the wisdom. i like the feeling of growing and learning. ohhhhh, i get it now. it really is like clockwork. pardon me, but every month at this time i start to get SUPER nostalgic, and it fucks with my emotional wellbeing so hard. my hormones play a game called "what can we find to help you feel sad?" it's ridiculous. but i don't just feel sad. i feel incredibly grateful to have so many beautiful memories, and i know i will make more. it's just that it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. i realized last night that this year marks ten years that i met the first of my wonderful friends4life. we all share these memories that i hold onto so intensely, and that makes it easier. a dear friend of mine has breast cancer. she's only 30, and it's insane. i've been scared of getting breast cancer since i was 20, because i know i'm at a high risk, and that's about the time i started getting really fixated on death. i wish i could be with her, but she is on the other side of the country. i can't believe i'm even talking about it here- it's too serious. i'm reading john hersey's hiroshima and david lynch's catching the big fish. why does learning transcendental meditation have to be so expensive? i want to experience the bliss of diving within! i really need it, too. i'm so anxious and pessimistic this days, so worried all the time. i need a tostada to calm my nerves! zero played a show last night. it was noisegiving, 8 hours of noise musicians doing their thing. he was awesome, and i felt really excited for him. really, everyone was great (except for one uninspired duo, who shall remain nameless), and i had a really good time, even though i was so ready to be home and comfy by the end. he said playing just made him want to be playing guitar with me instead. all my guitar songs have been written before and sung by better singers, but i really love making them. the end of the jankiest entry ever. creature!
Link	1 let go\|give

(no subject)	[Nov. 14th, 2009\|08:34 pm]
i'd really like it if i could be comfortable with my lack of a plan in life. i am actually really happy with the way it is right now. but the way it IS and the way it's GOING are vastly different. i have an awesome job. it's not my ideal, but it's seriously great. i get paid very well, my employers care about me and are cool, it's flexible, and it's meaningful. i like where i live. i have many beautiful relationships. i've been recording music that fills me with promise and gets me transcending. but when i think about what will happen when the lease here ends, i start to panic. my job will keep changing as the kids grow older, but i don't know how exactly, and that instability makes me nervous. and more importantly, it's not my ideal, and i am smart and talented enough to do something i really want to do. at 27 years old, though, i'm still unsure what that is. i can't always tell if my insecurity causes me to question what i want, too, ie: am i unsure because i just doubt my abilities or am i still just simply undecided? during this past summer, i felt a certainty i've never felt before that i want to make music and tour more than anything else. it was real. but since the fall began, i've felt the doubts creeping back in. i doubt my talent to write and play, and i doubt my stamina to tour. i'm also just so tired of being financially unstable, and there's not much promise of financial stability in music. i fear my own death every time i feel an ache or pain, which is almost daily, and i want to be able to go to a doctor. i want to be able to pay off all my debts. i just want to take care of myself! i want to use my brain to its full potential. but more than that, i want to connect. i want to express and connect. i want to be okay with my station in life, whatever it is. i want to accept with love the choices i've made. i want to work hard, to really try my very best, always. as much as i want to prepare for the future, i want even more to live in the now. am i so scared of dying just because i fear pain? or am i afraid this will be over before i ever really gave it my all? it's a combination of both, i think. i'm a dreamer and a late bloomer. but once i bloom, it's radiant. i really feel that way, no ego. i just hope i bloom again before i die. isn't that morbid?!
Link	2 let go\|give

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