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i'm having the world of a lifetime.
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[Nov. 14th, 2009|08:34 pm] |
i'd really like it if i could be comfortable with my lack of a plan in life. i am actually really happy with the way it is right now. but the way it IS and the way it's GOING are vastly different. i have an awesome job. it's not my ideal, but it's seriously great. i get paid very well, my employers care about me and are cool, it's flexible, and it's meaningful. i like where i live. i have many beautiful relationships. i've been recording music that fills me with promise and gets me transcending.
but when i think about what will happen when the lease here ends, i start to panic. my job will keep changing as the kids grow older, but i don't know how exactly, and that instability makes me nervous. and more importantly, it's not my ideal, and i am smart and talented enough to do something i really want to do. at 27 years old, though, i'm still unsure what that is. i can't always tell if my insecurity causes me to question what i want, too, ie: am i unsure because i just doubt my abilities or am i still just simply undecided? during this past summer, i felt a certainty i've never felt before that i want to make music and tour more than anything else. it was real. but since the fall began, i've felt the doubts creeping back in. i doubt my talent to write and play, and i doubt my stamina to tour.
i'm also just so tired of being financially unstable, and there's not much promise of financial stability in music. i fear my own death every time i feel an ache or pain, which is almost daily, and i want to be able to go to a doctor. i want to be able to pay off all my debts. i just want to take care of myself! i want to use my brain to its full potential. but more than that, i want to connect. i want to express and connect. i want to be okay with my station in life, whatever it is. i want to accept with love the choices i've made. i want to work hard, to really try my very best, always. as much as i want to prepare for the future, i want even more to live in the now. am i so scared of dying just because i fear pain? or am i afraid this will be over before i ever really gave it my all? it's a combination of both, i think. i'm a dreamer and a late bloomer. but once i bloom, it's radiant. i really feel that way, no ego. i just hope i bloom again before i die. isn't that morbid?! |
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[Nov. 13th, 2009|03:40 pm] |
friday the 13th! i love this day.
i emerged recently from a pretty dark headspace. i gotta go there sometimes. i think some people only find darkness outside of themselves, but it is in all of us, and it's really important to explore your own fucked-up brain, to hold yourself accountable for everything. of course, you can't do this all the time, or you'll go too far, but it helps to keep me humble and grateful when i let myself go there briefly. and every time i come back out, i feel stronger. i find clarity. i understand why! it's great to be able to say that.
zero and i have been spending a lot of time with justin and nicole, and it's been super cute. i feel closer to both of them, and i'm seeing all the qualities in them that i love so much. it's really great. nicole's spending the weekend in iowa, volunteering with the david lynch foundation, and i'm so excited for her. it gives me more alone time, too, which i'm digging so much lately. i've had a lot of time for solitude these past couple of weeks, and i've been reminded how vital it is to my happiness. especially since i usually record music when i'm alone, and it's one of my favorite activities in the world. i've recorded a few songs that i really like, and i'm thinking of either putting them out as they are or fleshing them out with a band. maybe both!
i've just been feeling a lot more relaxed in general. stretching in the morning is helping. i feel more in love with zero than ever. i can't believe the way he looks at me every day. the way he loves me is perfect.
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[Nov. 5th, 2009|06:30 pm] |
oh dear me. i've been recently hoping to become the sassy, cranky friend in my circle. i already am sassy and cranky, but i feel like it's a secret to everyone, including myself when i'm with them, because it makes us all uncomfortable. but my sour mood should be funny- not serious! if this were a sitcom, say the golden girls, i would be getting a lot of laughs from insulting everyone more freely, and they would all know that i just do it out of love and wouldn't take anything too personally. when i read my diary from 1994 and saw that i already knew i was judgemental even then, i gained a new understanding of myself. i think what's been bothering me lately is the amount of shit-talking i've done. having negative feelings and writing about them is a-ok, but talking behind people's backs is ugly. i justify it by telling myself i'm analyzing people's behavior, and i am, but i don't need to do it so much. some of my friends really enjoy shit-talking too, so we'll really get into it. but i always feel regret afterwards, because i want to talk shit about everyone equally if i'm going to talk shit, and not everyone talks shit, so some people get the butt more often than others, and that's unfair. i have shit to speak about everyone! anyway, this is why i feel bad about myself. because this is ridiculous. but it's perfect for a sitcom!
i've also been wishing recently for a girlfriend. nicole is my bff 4 life, but we live together, and we're into different things and have pretty different personalities, and i do sometimes long for a girl who is more like me. i would love to hang with a girl who writes music and feels for music how i feel for it. i'd love to hang with someone who enjoys silence, like really really enjoys it, someone relaxed and thoughtful. someone who likes to think about music more than people. i should write a want ad. really, i want a girl like zero. but that's a tall order! and i already struck gold once, so i'm asking for a lot, and i know that. but i can't help wishing.
my horoscope is telling me, "your success will depend on you seeing the best in people -- even if they sometimes don't seem to warrant it." so i'm really battling that part of myself right now, and i'm trying hard to accept everyone for who they are. i'm being mindful of it, and that's a start. it doesn't help that i get especially cynical right before my period. oh hormones!
in lighter news, my birthday was awesome. nicole planned my dream karaoke bday and invited a small group of our friends to enjoy 3 hours in a private room with sushi and drinks. alison and kyler brought me three birthday cakes and pies. nicole gave me an amazing dress, zero got me the moleskine music notebook i've been wanting, and alison gave me two beautiful rings. everyone stanked every song, and i had a blast. justin and i left the next day to visit our family in north carolina and go trick-or-treating with jenny and reagan.
( girl, you'll be a woman soon. ) |
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[Oct. 2nd, 2009|07:34 pm] |
i'm really upset by an experience i had in the mcgorlick park dog run today. this one dog's owner, i'll refer to him as "toolbox", just meandered around, doing nothing to intervene, when his dog was acting totally aggressive toward icarus. i immediately recognized his dog's behavior as such, so i was keeping watch. the dog was growling and biting icarus, who would run away or just submit. i intervened by just stepping between them once while justin was getting water, and when he came back, i told him about the dog, and right then, we see the dog pinning icarus and getting super aggressive. justin went over, and finally toolbox talked to him, but apparently his opinion of the situation was that since icarus is still a puppy, he just hasn't learned to be assertive yet. justin told him otherwise, of course. icarus loves playing with other dogs, and he's very confident with them. he'd been playing really hard with another dog just moments before.
then just five minutes later, icarus was standing in the middle of the run, when toolbox's dog started attacking him again! justin stepped in and pulled the other dog off, almost getting bit in the process, and he immediately told toolbox he couldn't have a dog like that in the dog run. toolbox said okay, then said it's just that icarus is a puppy and his dog wasn't trying to hurt him, to which i said, "no, none of the other dogs are acting like that." and justin told him that he the dog tried to bite him too. well, good ol' toolbox did leave, but not before telling justin to "never fucking touch his dog again, fuck blah blah blah." i was actually shaking from rage. it was so infuriating to have to interact with someone so ignorant and lazy.
OF COURSE it's not icarus' fault that TOOLBOX'S dog is aggressive. it's not justin's fault that toolbox's dog tried to bite him. it's TOOLBOX's fault that he has an aggressive dog, because he's uneducated about dog behavior. i couldn't tell him this at the time, because i was freaking out and super upset. i was shaking for a while after he left, it was ridiculous. i wish i could keep my cool in those situations. but it was just seriously upsetting to see the dog i love get bullied, to see toolbox not give a shit, and to then see toolbox actually defend his dog's bad behavior and try to blame it on justin and icarus! but if i could have kept my wits about me, i could really have sat that douchebag down. everybody else in the park was just silent and watching the events unfold. i understand not wanting to get involved, but it would have been nice to have had support.
really, i wish i would have said, "have you even heard of cesar millan? any idea what a pack leader is? no? go get educated." ugh, it just really upsets my emotional and physical balance to have so much anger coursing through me, yuck. i'm so tense now, though writing about it helped.
i mean, look at that face. you really gonna let your dog beat up on this little prince? then you are a complete tool. |
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[Sep. 14th, 2009|09:12 pm] |
life continues to present trials for me. i am being forced to face evil aspects of my personality due to their consequences. some say evil is too dramatic a word, but i know the evil that lies within::
i used to wonder how i can behave in ways contrary to my true heart's intentions. but now i must accept that my true heart has many intentions, some slipping by my conscious radar, some that my conscience would never allow if it had the courage.
in many ways, i am closer to the person i want to be than ever before.
in many ways, i am farther from the person i want to be than ever before.
my mind and body are connected very intensely these days. if i even have a headache or a slight dizzy feeling, i feel incapable of accomplishing anything. my horoscope says this,
Ants may literally be crawling in your pants as you pull off a savvy coup or a brilliant stroke. An annoying pest may try to distract you at about the same time that movers and shakers are tuning in to your magnificence. But I don't mean to imply that minor irritants will undermine your victories. I think you're too unbeatable for that to happen. At worst, you'll have a mild headache as you receive your reward or stumble slightly as you stride into the spotlight,
but i wonder if i really can't be beat. i know i'll never stop hoping and trying. but i don't know if i will be victorious.
at least, i don't know sometimes.
sometimes i know with every fiber of my being that i will do what i was meant to do, and i am not afraid, not stressed, not discouraged. those moments really only come when i am feeling physically well, though. my body craves care these days. my immune system is weak, for whatever reason, and i am finding i have to be more mindful than ever. i've passed up drinks many nights in the past month when before i would have indulged. i've done a better job of taking supplements in the past month. but i'm still eating too much cheese and processed foods, too much sugar and caffeine, and not enough fresh fruits and vegetables. i still don't drink enough water, and i still don't exercise.
i am admittedly a terribly lazy human, and i've come to terms with this, but i still have to overcome it if i want to be truly happy, and that requires more than just acceptance. i feel so much better when i am working hard, when i am busy and healthy and mindful. i'm so morbid. death has been close to me since a very young age, and it's so easy for me to immediately begin to imagine my death when i start feeling ill. that only makes things worse, because i panic, because i don't want to die. i love being alive. i love every single thing about this life.
so of course i think i must be at least 50% evil to love life so much and still do things like consume poison and let my muscles atrophy. i think i am over-stimulated. i spend too much time watching and not enough time doing. i need to remember the fifth dimension and get down with my evil side, channel it into beautiful outlets, and that's what i'm trying to do. i'm just not trying hard enough, and of course hard is the only way when it comes to the dark side, at least at first. i can come at it soft once i know i've got it. |
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[Sep. 5th, 2009|09:59 am] |
aw, it's been a long while since i felt like sitting down to this thing and doing a proper update. i really want to get a moleskine diary to start documenting my life and keeping records of events, big and small. all my internet spots are pretty specific in their aim, and what i'm missing is the telling of the days. at dinner when i was a small child, my mom would have my brothers and me take turns sharing what we did that day. for a while, all justin would say is, "i rode my bike." that's what i'm talking about.
it's another weekend alone in the apartment for me. i revel in the solitude, of course, but i'm pretty bummed that my roomies all chose to go somewhere else again. zero works weekends, too, so it really is just me for 8-10 hours. i'd probably enjoy it more if i were well, but i've been fighting infection for two weeks now and spending my free time searching for distraction from various stages of discomfort and pain. it seems like another ailment comes right away as a side effect to whatever i used to combat the first ailment. it got old a week ago. but i do feel like i've crested that mountain and am on my way down, now.
the next mountain is transforming my free time into good hard creative work. it's strange knowing what i want to do, finally. especially since it's the thing i've said i want to do for so long. i was always being honest, i see now, but i didn't really believe myself then. the stars are aligned right now, too, and they never really have been before. i'm a late bloomer, and i was also romance-obsessed from the time i was in elementary school, so it makes sense that it's taken this long for my wandering heart to feel content to allow another part of me to take the lead. i don't quite have the hang of it yet, and being sick has really taken its toll on any productivity. but that spell does seem to be ending, and i feel my energy rising. i realize, too, that i can't count on anyone else to commit or put in the work to make my own dreams come true, duh, even if my dreams involve other people. i have to focus on the task at hand and enjoy the action, not the result. that's a little awkward for such a dreamer as myself. i'm used to fantasy and reality being more separate than they really are. so i'm embracing magic again more, though a bit darker now, and it feels like home. |
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[Aug. 17th, 2009|01:59 am] |
i'm where i want to be. |
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[Aug. 9th, 2009|11:52 am] |
time is flying, per usual.
i'm sitting at the kitchen table in our new apartment, where things are slowly but surely coming together. i realized this morning that the sigil i made as the lyric is coming true to life now. kyler is moving in today. the five of us have never all lived together at once, and i'm so excited. to have it happening in brooklyn, in this apartment, with all these circumstances is just blowing my mind.
katja gave me two fur coats yesterday. one of them is a knee length white affair, and it's so ostentatious. and i would never buy a fur coat, obviously i love animals and don't condone skinning them for clothing, but she wanted to give these to me, and when i put them on, i feel my norwegian princess coming home again. i'll imagine that the rabbits who died for it were killed in an extravagant and respectful ritual, that their meat fed undernourished children, that their bones were made into tools. and when i wear their fur, i will remember them, of course. i can't not think of death in some way or another on a daily basis. it's something i'm slowly coming to terms with as a part of who i am. i can embrace it now. reading pet sematary was the perfect thing to do.
i've been working more recently, since my second family is moving this week. i really needed the money, for mending my guitar, for an air purifier for the basement (no, thanks, mold), and for getting a bed of mine and zero's own. we've decided on a twin instead of a full, and i want the sheets to be black. |
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| these days i seem to think a lot about the things that i forgot to do. |
[Jul. 19th, 2009|02:25 pm] |
justin and i signed the lease for our new apartment on thursday! bushwick is where it's at, everybody. zero and i will have our room in the finished basement!! with all of our equipment set up and ready to go 24/7...
except for my electric guitar. because i broke it. i let it crash to the ground, and the neck broke right below the headstock. it didn't break off completely, and it is repairable, but my guitar is forever scarred, and it's my fault. i spent most of yesterday crying and drinking whisky. nicole was a true best friend, making sure i was taken care of while i mourned. it was truly heartbreaking for me. that guitar was so perfect, and i never felt like i deserved it, and now i definitely don't feel like i did, or i would never have let something so terrible happen. i know i sound ridiculous, but my feelings are so real. watching the tv movie of stephen king's it and drinking whisky only dulled the pain. i eventually got so sick though that i couldn't think about my guitar anymore, which was my goal, i think. hard to say. i was a real disaster.
nicole and i were about to play together, too, when it happened. she was on the drums, and i'm always excited to play with her when she's drumming. the night before, we saw screaming females and the dead weather at terminal 5, which was awesome. screaming females were insanely good, and the dead weather was great. all the boys in that band are husbands, and zero did such a great job playing bass and singing (haha). alison mosshart is kind of hilarious but also mesmerizing. the hilarious part surprised me. i wish she was intentionally hilarious, but no.
anyway, today i'm nursing a hangover and trying to move on. i'll be able to play my guitar again one day. it'll be okay.
here we are together on the day i got her. :((( |
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[Jul. 12th, 2009|07:00 pm] |
the woman asked me what kind of music we make, and i said without hesitating, "rock." she asked if i'm the singer, and i said, "yes."
BECAUSE I AM SHAMELESS.
things in the apartment are tense. dreams conflict. no one wants to let his go. i understand all sides, and my heart hurts. can we just make it through july in one piece and come out the other side of august with our dreams still intact and our supports still standing? i believe we can.
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