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i'm having the world of a lifetime.
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2010|11:30 pm] |
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2010 is so bangin, y'all. i'm aiming to not compare these days, but i've gotta say it's already a billion times better than 2009. january has been so busy, taking care of business every day. working full time with the babies and heading in some new directions, hosting visitors, and even going out to dance a couple of times, which i have missed insanely so. seriously, i'm in new york, there has to be a perfect dance night somewhere, please! i'm really pumped on my new endeavors, and i'm even more pumped about the three-week vacation that starts now! well, i have to work on monday, but it's just a little blip on the vacation radar- i started the party tonight! by spring cleaning my bedroom. in the first week of the new year, i played my songs live for alan, something i've never done for anyone before! it was awesome. nicole has been meditating, and she's so beautiful. zero is beautiful. justin is beautiful. icarus is the shit. i love my crew. marcus came to brooklyn to visit and to see avatar in imax 3d with us, and i want to be a na'vi warrior. i'm looking within, and i like what i'm seeing, even the darkness. i want to use symbols to help me connect with deep and important aspects of myself. it's so easy to live on the surface, but i live for those who want to get down and dirty. it makes the moments we feel fresh so honest and real. i love the surface. it is beautiful in its way. but there is just so much more, and i want to dive down sometimes. we can always come back up for air. |
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| for real. |
[Jan. 2nd, 2010|01:57 pm] |
i'm stoked on 2010. 2009 got off to a very rough start. it was a dark, intense, and very tumultuous time. i felt like a warrior, though, and i am so proud of myself for how i handled every terrible situation. i am also grateful to those people who supported me and fought with me. i was very displaced until about june, when icarus joined the family in brooklyn, jenny and reagan visited, and i finally found a paying job. just a couple months later, we moved into a bigger apartment in a cute part of bushwick. kyler moved in with us, and alison moved to brooklyn, too. i've been dealing with a lot of health issues since then, but i'm coming round that bend. and i've been having some real moments of introspection. it's always surprising to keep discovering more about myself, to keep changing, especially since sometimes things seem to feel completely stagnant. the people around me keep surprising me too, mostly in good ways. i feel closer to my bff than ever, and this is the best time i've ever had living with her, so third time's the charm. i'm more realistic about my optimism than ever before, too, and that's a beautiful thing. i have a tendency to romanticize everything, and then i get disappointed easily. but this year, realness is romantic. time to re-read william gibson.
( in photos ) |
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| little things in a big way |
[Dec. 20th, 2009|12:42 pm] |
i am happy. i ventured out into the blizzard world late last night, and i only made it two blocks before turning back to the warm glow of my home. i recorded an unintentionally bluesy song about my mom and the devil. daniel is here visiting since wednesday and until tomorrow. just the sight of him inspires joy in me and reminds me how lucky i am to have found the best of friends when i was only a teenager. i'm at peace with kyler and alison's distance and losing kyler as a flatmate, to the point of finding the good in it- bonus! hoping to get my nose pierced before christmas along with a multitude of to-dos, which include an endoscopy the day before christmas eve. is it possible that a distaste for people's self-absorption led to my dyspepsia? no, it's probably all the coffee and cheese, my two favorite things that i can no longer consume in mass quantities. finally saw "it might get loud" and fell in love with jimmy page like i never thought possible. he's the cutest and most beautiful old man. looking forward to being with all my brothers, mom, nieces, sisters-in-law, best friend, and the love of my life on christmas eve and day. plus this jewel- the only subject keeping it so unbelievably real that he consistently inspires me to capture him on camera:
i could learn a thing or two. but life right now is spot on.
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| it's about time |
[Dec. 17th, 2009|02:58 am] |
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what i've failed to realize until today is that i've been trying to connect with everyone and everything around me while i've been disconnected from my Self. that's impossible! in the past years, i've made so many mistakes and been dealt many bad hands, and i've built defenses around myself as a result. meanwhile, i've been searching frantically for my path, my ever-elusive path, unwittingly chasing my own tail in circles, and thinking that in articulating my opinions about others i was somehow learning about my Self in the process. but the reason i am making such a strong distinction between myself and my Self is that i can certainly learn some shallow things about myself and human beings and all their quirks in my studies and searching, but to really learn about my Self, i can only look within and trust what i find there. and i know what great cheese this is, but the realization resonated so deeply in me that i knew instantly- it's the key i've been missing for so long. i long for the moments in my life when i was most connected to my Self. i was vulnerable and open, and in being so, i was confident and bold. i followed my instincts, and i made mistakes, but i kept moving forward, because my soul was so open wide. i was connected to all the pains of my life and to all of the bliss. but it's so easy to get caught up in the day to day and the details of living that the rapture of living can be forgotten. (i love music so much because it's immediately so all-encompassing that i forget the bully-ego of myself and instead experience my true Self.) i've been so sad lately, and i've been very hurt by many people in my life in the past few years, and i have hurt others, in big ways and small ways, but it all leaves an impact. i've had to be very strong at times, and in some of those times, i could not truly connect with my Self, because i had to think of others so completely. it's important now that things are better to reconnect with my Self by taking off that armor. i want to tear down all my defenses. i want to be completely honest with you about everything, about my sadness and my hopes and everything that makes me really beautiful. i want to feel like my Self again. i want to feel the rapture of being alive. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 6th, 2009|12:14 pm] |
what a strange, emotional week it's been. the stress of it all caught up with me yesterday, and my body told me a tale. but thanks to rest, water, tea, and vitamins, i'm feeling okay today so far. i'm in the midst of working full time with the babies for three weeks. it's to make up for days i missed before thanksgiving and days i'll miss around christmas. so it's good that it's happening, but it's very exhausting. they're both crawling now, and they're both very vocal, and it's very intense. it's especially hard for me to separate myself from it, so i end up feeling their emotions, and it's incredibly stressful. it's led me to be really hard on myself all week- for not having more patience and calm and for being so passive about the direction of my life. i make choices, but i also let a lot of things happen, probably even more so. anyway, i've been contemplating some things, and it's been intense, and the stress of it is causing me real physical distress. it's making me feel very disconnected from almost everyone in my life, too, which is sad.
but yesterday was very relaxing. i finished making the dvd of mine and zero's cross country trip, which i started back in portland, so i feel really happy to have finally completed it. we watched some of it this morning before he had to go to work. and i recorded two more songs, which always feels amazing. icarus was super cuddly the entire time we were alone together. justin, nicole, and zero got home early enough to hang out before we all went to sleep. we ate pizza and watched house.
i just wish my path would be more clear to me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 29th, 2009|03:27 pm] |
i remember coming to a friend's house to meet you, and you ran to me and asked if i was real.
i don't like this part of getting older.
is there any part i really like? well, yes, i do like the wisdom. i like the feeling of growing and learning.
ohhhhh, i get it now. it really is like clockwork. pardon me, but every month at this time i start to get SUPER nostalgic, and it fucks with my emotional wellbeing so hard. my hormones play a game called "what can we find to help you feel sad?" it's ridiculous.
but i don't just feel sad. i feel incredibly grateful to have so many beautiful memories, and i know i will make more. it's just that it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
i realized last night that this year marks ten years that i met the first of my wonderful friends4life. we all share these memories that i hold onto so intensely, and that makes it easier.
a dear friend of mine has breast cancer. she's only 30, and it's insane. i've been scared of getting breast cancer since i was 20, because i know i'm at a high risk, and that's about the time i started getting really fixated on death. i wish i could be with her, but she is on the other side of the country. i can't believe i'm even talking about it here- it's too serious.
i'm reading john hersey's hiroshima and david lynch's catching the big fish. why does learning transcendental meditation have to be so expensive? i want to experience the bliss of diving within! i really need it, too. i'm so anxious and pessimistic this days, so worried all the time. i need a tostada to calm my nerves!
zero played a show last night. it was noisegiving, 8 hours of noise musicians doing their thing. he was awesome, and i felt really excited for him. really, everyone was great (except for one uninspired duo, who shall remain nameless), and i had a really good time, even though i was so ready to be home and comfy by the end. he said playing just made him want to be playing guitar with me instead. all my guitar songs have been written before and sung by better singers, but i really love making them.
the end of the jankiest entry ever.
creature!
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|08:34 pm] |
i'd really like it if i could be comfortable with my lack of a plan in life. i am actually really happy with the way it is right now. but the way it IS and the way it's GOING are vastly different. i have an awesome job. it's not my ideal, but it's seriously great. i get paid very well, my employers care about me and are cool, it's flexible, and it's meaningful. i like where i live. i have many beautiful relationships. i've been recording music that fills me with promise and gets me transcending.
but when i think about what will happen when the lease here ends, i start to panic. my job will keep changing as the kids grow older, but i don't know how exactly, and that instability makes me nervous. and more importantly, it's not my ideal, and i am smart and talented enough to do something i really want to do. at 27 years old, though, i'm still unsure what that is. i can't always tell if my insecurity causes me to question what i want, too, ie: am i unsure because i just doubt my abilities or am i still just simply undecided? during this past summer, i felt a certainty i've never felt before that i want to make music and tour more than anything else. it was real. but since the fall began, i've felt the doubts creeping back in. i doubt my talent to write and play, and i doubt my stamina to tour.
i'm also just so tired of being financially unstable, and there's not much promise of financial stability in music. i fear my own death every time i feel an ache or pain, which is almost daily, and i want to be able to go to a doctor. i want to be able to pay off all my debts. i just want to take care of myself! i want to use my brain to its full potential. but more than that, i want to connect. i want to express and connect. i want to be okay with my station in life, whatever it is. i want to accept with love the choices i've made. i want to work hard, to really try my very best, always. as much as i want to prepare for the future, i want even more to live in the now. am i so scared of dying just because i fear pain? or am i afraid this will be over before i ever really gave it my all? it's a combination of both, i think. i'm a dreamer and a late bloomer. but once i bloom, it's radiant. i really feel that way, no ego. i just hope i bloom again before i die. isn't that morbid?! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 13th, 2009|03:40 pm] |
friday the 13th! i love this day.
i emerged recently from a pretty dark headspace. i gotta go there sometimes. i think some people only find darkness outside of themselves, but it is in all of us, and it's really important to explore your own fucked-up brain, to hold yourself accountable for everything. of course, you can't do this all the time, or you'll go too far, but it helps to keep me humble and grateful when i let myself go there briefly. and every time i come back out, i feel stronger. i find clarity. i understand why! it's great to be able to say that.
zero and i have been spending a lot of time with justin and nicole, and it's been super cute. i feel closer to both of them, and i'm seeing all the qualities in them that i love so much. it's really great. nicole's spending the weekend in iowa, volunteering with the david lynch foundation, and i'm so excited for her. it gives me more alone time, too, which i'm digging so much lately. i've had a lot of time for solitude these past couple of weeks, and i've been reminded how vital it is to my happiness. especially since i usually record music when i'm alone, and it's one of my favorite activities in the world. i've recorded a few songs that i really like, and i'm thinking of either putting them out as they are or fleshing them out with a band. maybe both!
i've just been feeling a lot more relaxed in general. stretching in the morning is helping. i feel more in love with zero than ever. i can't believe the way he looks at me every day. the way he loves me is perfect.
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2009|06:30 pm] |
oh dear me. i've been recently hoping to become the sassy, cranky friend in my circle. i already am sassy and cranky, but i feel like it's a secret to everyone, including myself when i'm with them, because it makes us all uncomfortable. but my sour mood should be funny- not serious! if this were a sitcom, say the golden girls, i would be getting a lot of laughs from insulting everyone more freely, and they would all know that i just do it out of love and wouldn't take anything too personally. when i read my diary from 1994 and saw that i already knew i was judgemental even then, i gained a new understanding of myself. i think what's been bothering me lately is the amount of shit-talking i've done. having negative feelings and writing about them is a-ok, but talking behind people's backs is ugly. i justify it by telling myself i'm analyzing people's behavior, and i am, but i don't need to do it so much. some of my friends really enjoy shit-talking too, so we'll really get into it. but i always feel regret afterwards, because i want to talk shit about everyone equally if i'm going to talk shit, and not everyone talks shit, so some people get the butt more often than others, and that's unfair. i have shit to speak about everyone! anyway, this is why i feel bad about myself. because this is ridiculous. but it's perfect for a sitcom!
i've also been wishing recently for a girlfriend. nicole is my bff 4 life, but we live together, and we're into different things and have pretty different personalities, and i do sometimes long for a girl who is more like me. i would love to hang with a girl who writes music and feels for music how i feel for it. i'd love to hang with someone who enjoys silence, like really really enjoys it, someone relaxed and thoughtful. someone who likes to think about music more than people. i should write a want ad. really, i want a girl like zero. but that's a tall order! and i already struck gold once, so i'm asking for a lot, and i know that. but i can't help wishing.
my horoscope is telling me, "your success will depend on you seeing the best in people -- even if they sometimes don't seem to warrant it." so i'm really battling that part of myself right now, and i'm trying hard to accept everyone for who they are. i'm being mindful of it, and that's a start. it doesn't help that i get especially cynical right before my period. oh hormones!
in lighter news, my birthday was awesome. nicole planned my dream karaoke bday and invited a small group of our friends to enjoy 3 hours in a private room with sushi and drinks. alison and kyler brought me three birthday cakes and pies. nicole gave me an amazing dress, zero got me the moleskine music notebook i've been wanting, and alison gave me two beautiful rings. everyone stanked every song, and i had a blast. justin and i left the next day to visit our family in north carolina and go trick-or-treating with jenny and reagan.
( girl, you'll be a woman soon. ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 2nd, 2009|07:34 pm] |
i'm really upset by an experience i had in the mcgorlick park dog run today. this one dog's owner, i'll refer to him as "toolbox", just meandered around, doing nothing to intervene, when his dog was acting totally aggressive toward icarus. i immediately recognized his dog's behavior as such, so i was keeping watch. the dog was growling and biting icarus, who would run away or just submit. i intervened by just stepping between them once while justin was getting water, and when he came back, i told him about the dog, and right then, we see the dog pinning icarus and getting super aggressive. justin went over, and finally toolbox talked to him, but apparently his opinion of the situation was that since icarus is still a puppy, he just hasn't learned to be assertive yet. justin told him otherwise, of course. icarus loves playing with other dogs, and he's very confident with them. he'd been playing really hard with another dog just moments before.
then just five minutes later, icarus was standing in the middle of the run, when toolbox's dog started attacking him again! justin stepped in and pulled the other dog off, almost getting bit in the process, and he immediately told toolbox he couldn't have a dog like that in the dog run. toolbox said okay, then said it's just that icarus is a puppy and his dog wasn't trying to hurt him, to which i said, "no, none of the other dogs are acting like that." and justin told him that he the dog tried to bite him too. well, good ol' toolbox did leave, but not before telling justin to "never fucking touch his dog again, fuck blah blah blah." i was actually shaking from rage. it was so infuriating to have to interact with someone so ignorant and lazy.
OF COURSE it's not icarus' fault that TOOLBOX'S dog is aggressive. it's not justin's fault that toolbox's dog tried to bite him. it's TOOLBOX's fault that he has an aggressive dog, because he's uneducated about dog behavior. i couldn't tell him this at the time, because i was freaking out and super upset. i was shaking for a while after he left, it was ridiculous. i wish i could keep my cool in those situations. but it was just seriously upsetting to see the dog i love get bullied, to see toolbox not give a shit, and to then see toolbox actually defend his dog's bad behavior and try to blame it on justin and icarus! but if i could have kept my wits about me, i could really have sat that douchebag down. everybody else in the park was just silent and watching the events unfold. i understand not wanting to get involved, but it would have been nice to have had support.
really, i wish i would have said, "have you even heard of cesar millan? any idea what a pack leader is? no? go get educated." ugh, it just really upsets my emotional and physical balance to have so much anger coursing through me, yuck. i'm so tense now, though writing about it helped.
i mean, look at that face. you really gonna let your dog beat up on this little prince? then you are a complete tool. |
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